The view from two months in

Teddy is 2 months old today, and we've had him home now for 3 weeks. He's doing well, but it has occurred to me that there may be several of the people who read this may in the relatively near future have children of their own to deal with. So, as someone who's in the middle of babydom, and has a convenient place to record my advice, shallow and superficial though it may be, I thought I'd try to let those of you who might need to learn about this process called parenting from my experience. Bear in mind that I prefer a free-range model of baby care. I know some people prefer a more structured existence, and some people prefer a more hand-on cuddly approach. So your mileage may vary.

• In the words of the late Douglas Adams: don't panic.
• If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of him or her.
• They're tougher than you think. You're not going to break him or her without trying or doing something really stupid. Of course, sleep deprived people often make stupid decisions.
• Your child will do at least 3 things every hour that will freak you out. It's OK. Usually.
• Your child will be better than the "norm" at some stuff, and worse at others. Maybe he or she is great at vocalizations, but can't hold his or her head up at 2 months. That's OK. They seem to even out eventually and bounce back. Don't panic.
• You child will cry. Often. That's just how they communicate at this stage.
• Figure out what the different cries that your child has for different things. Teddy's "I'm hungry" sounds different from his, "I have to, or have just, pooped, and I don't like it!" cry. Figuring out which is which will save you time, and resolve whatever is making the tyke cry in the first place.
• Sometimes, your kid is just going to cry. It doesn't matter what you do. It's OK.
• You will think you're doing everything wrong. You probably aren't.*
• You probably don't need 60% or so of the baby stuff that everyone says you need. The problem is that everyone seems to need a different 40% of that stuff. If you can borrow something to try it, do it. If you can't, see if you can make or improvise a cheap test version out of stuff at home. That being said:
• Buy cheap rags, dish cloths, hand towels or wash cloths. Your baby, just like every baby, is a little ball of noise with liquids dribbling, shooting, or leaking from both ends. You'll need something to mop it up.
• Baby wipes can be used to clean almost anything off of almost anything.
• You probably don't need a fancy bassinet. You probably do need something to let you keep the kid contained in whatever room you might be in that isn't his or her bedroom.
• Baby monitors are a blessing and a curse, but mostly a curse. If I were to do it all again, and if I could get Amy on board, we wouldn't use them at all. Unless your house is a mansion or you could sleep through a 5 alarm fire, you'll hear when he or she is crying.
• You will get your child's drool in your mouth at some point. Deal with it.
• You will get your child's spit up all over you often. Deal with it.
• You will get your child's poo or urine all over you at some point. Again, deal with it.
• People, especially old ladies, will try to touch your child in public (pinching cheeks, or rubbing their face, or stuff like that). Plan accordingly, especially if that's something you really don't want to have happen.
• Routine is your friend. Try to follow one.
• Routine can be your nightmare. Don't be enslaved to it.
• Let your instincts guide you. They're probably right or at least sufficient. If they weren't, then the human race would never have gotten anyone past infancy.

So there's the big list of what I've figured out. I'll be that at least 3 people reading this are going, "That's crazy! That would never work with my kids!" Well, that's OK. This is what's working for us, right now, 2 months in.

*Special bonus round: just like you didn't get some manual when you became an adult telling you what that actually meant, you don't get one when you have a kid. That means that you have to keep on making it up as you go along. What's more, your parents did and are doing the same thing. They're making it all up as they go along also. Isn't that kind of comforting? You just have to muddle through winging it, and keep the illusion that you have a clue going until the kid's old enough to reason with, which is to say, probably around 40.