The Calm Before The Storm. Again.

 Teddy's surgery is on Monday. We have to be at Children's Hospital at 6 in the morning. So we're spending every possible minute this weekend with him, playing, talking, taking pictures and movies. Amy and I have spent the last several weeks quietly panicking, and trying not to let it show around Ted. Cancer kids' parents have a marathon of horror and stress while they are in the hospital for a long time. Heart kids' parents have repeated sprints. We happen to be in one of those sprints right now.

Teddy isn't worried. His main concern is that he's going to have to stay in the hospital for 5 days. But Amy and I are trading off who is freaking out at any given moment, with tonight being the night that Amy said "This can't be our last day with our boy!" Terry Pratchett wrote, in Going Postal, "Welcome to fear...It's hope turned inside out. You know it can't go wrong, you're sure it can't go wrong... But it might." That's exactly where we are. The surgeon is very confident. This is a surgery that's actually not that experimental or strange, especially compared to the other surgeries Ted has had. It has a name; a Bentall Procedure. It's been around for a while. The replacement valve comes with the little bit of replacement aorta already attached. This is a normal thing that heart surgeons do. We're sure it can't go wrong... But it might.

And so I spend the rest of my time contemplating Khalil Gibran. 

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

 Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

 And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

 When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

 When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

And I wait. And I quietly scream in the back of my mind, terrified that any time we do something with him, it might be our last with him. Because right now, all my hope is turned inside out. I know it won't go wrong. I'm sure it can't go wrong... But it might.